A magazine for people with personal pronouns

I was in line at the grocery store, eyes bouncing from Oprah to Martha Stewart to Rosie, when it hit me: There's no magazine about me. No magazine about people who aren't corporations.

Where's the magazine about someone who brushes her own teeth and her own toilet? Where's the magazine about me?

ME magazine: It's the ultimate, untapped brand name. Everybody is a me. Most me's will never see their names on a magazine, but they can have their very own personal pronoun on the cover of this one. The magazine for you is ME.

I can see the caps, T-shirts, and backpacks emblazoned with the ME logo. So simple, so appealing.

And out there fronting the brand is not just any old me, but me, reeking of the ordinary, solipsistic enough that I write only about me, but not so narcissistic that I think ME is about me – it's about every ME – which is why ME has to feature a person who has no celebrity and no accomplishments.

I'm your me.

You won't be bothered by any pesky feelings of inadequacy when flipping through an issue of ME. Anything I can do, you can do better – not to mention all the things I can't do at all.

Whether ME offers what I already know about me ("My perennial border is a perennial mess"), or takes the reader on a journey of self-discovery ("Whatever happened to the guy who dumped me in high school, Tommy Mc-you-know-who-you-are?), ME magazine makes you glad you're not me.

Follow ME as I roll my eyes at my friends' recitations of the dimensions of their closets, skim through the e-mail I receive: "Feeling fat?" "Pheromones for you," and "Do you owe money to the IRS?"

Eavesdrop on the messages left on my answering machine: "Can you come to school to comb the kindergartners' hair on picture day?" ME unveils the universal in the mind-numbing specifics of me.

Like any self-respecting magazine, ME devotes several pages to telling readers what to do

In every issue there's "Don't bother with that ...," where ME tells readers exactly what not to eat, read, watch, wear, or think. You'll find my helpful kitchen tips: "Stop being so lazy – make the brownies from scratch," and "Breakfast, lunch, dinner – who cares? Not ME – I've got homemade brownies right in front of me."

Learn about landscaping in "Trees that tried to kill me," food in "When dessert isn't chocolate: a survival guide," and home in "Paint colors that won't let me sleep."

Don't miss out on exercise in "Fitness alert: Run away from annoying people – fast!" Learn the latest crafts techniques in "Knitting to avoid human interaction." All that and more, in ME.

Once you've read ME, you're sure to say: "I feel so much better about me."