Happy Halloween! No loser candy or mean monster here

Happy Halloween at this dad's house means not having loser candy. It means not being a mean monster to the Winnie-the-Pooh who takes too many treats. And  it means letting a tiny policeman use the bathroom.

OK, all systems go. Candles in the pumpkins are lit, porch lights are on, got the candy in the bowl – and someone’s already at the door! 

Wow, great costumes this year, so fun.  Except I’m not sure who these characters are. Star Wars aliens? Angry Birds? Nothing like Halloween to test your knowledge of pop culture.

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Let’s see, handing out one piece to each kid seems kind of stingy, but it looks busy out on the sidewalk. I hope I have enough. Somebody like the Gallup organization should do pre-Halloween polling so we get a better idea of what the turnout’s going to be.

Ah, here come some familiar figures – Superman and Green Lantern. I’ll let each of them choose what they want. Oh, great, they’re picking through the whole bowl now. C’mon guys, you’ll never make it to the end of the block at this pace. 

Yikes, suddenly it’s like a flash mob. Hard to see who’s getting what with so many hands reaching in. I think that little Pooh Bear kid might have grabbed three pieces, but he’s so incredibly cute, and only a real monster would scold Winnie the Pooh for taking too many treats. 

Whew! Time to fill the bowl back up. Wait, what’s this? Some kind of strange jelly worm thing – hey, this is a treat from another house somebody didn’t want!  Hmm, do I toss it out or put it back into circulation?  I better toss it. I don’t want to get a reputation for giving out loser candy.

Oh my gosh! The biggest group yet! Pirates and ballet dancers and ninja assassins and, what’s that you say? A tiny policeman needs to use my bathroom. Well, I know that feeling. Down the hall and to the left, officer. Is everybody else getting what they wanted? That kid in the toga – I feel like he's been here once already. It's hard to tell where one group leaves off and the next one begins anymore.  And there was somebody covered by a sheet who was skittering around and panting. Was that a person, or did I just give candy to a dog? Oh, goodbye Mr. Patrolman, almost forgot about you. That would have been awkward.

Here comes a nice pair – a man and his daughter together, playing Beauty and the Beast. I think the Beast should get an extra piece of candy, my gift, one dad to another. The girl instantly snatches it out of his hand and they both laugh. “I believe some day this will happen with car keys,” he says.

In what seems like a short time, the groups begin to thin out. The street quiets down. Now who’s coming? A trio of ghoulish visitors, boys with white face paint dressed in ragged shabby clothes. They step onto the porch and one of them puts a cell phone to his ear. “Yeah, we’re almost done,” he says. “See you soon.”  Zombies on the wireless network – what would Bram Stoker think?

Finally done. Several of the jack-o’-lanterns have already gone out. There’s a candy wrapper lying in the driveway. Somebody liked my treats so much they ate one before leaving the yard. I can’t think of a better Halloween compliment.

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