Anyone seen my V.I.P.?

"Precinct 13. This is Sergeant Quimby. May I help you?" "Yes. I'd like to report a missing person." "Yes sir.A relative, friend, neighbor - "

"Relative. My wife."

"When and where was the last time you saw her?"

"Three days ago, in the garage during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. She was putting on the snow tires."

"What did you think of that pass interference call in the fourth quarter? I couldn't agree - "

"Sergeant, I haven't seen my wife in three days! Please help me!"

"Right. Could she have driven off somewhere?"

"No. The car's been stalling on us lately."

"Have you found any note, received a phone message?"

"Negative. Pads and pencils have a way of disappearing around here like good intentions, accordng to my wife, and the phone's been inaccessible ever since my daughter turned 14."

"Was your wife distressed or anxious about anything?"

"Only mildly so a week ago during that cold snap when she had to weather-strip the attic windows. My preteen son and I happened to be breaking in a new Ping-Pong table and I was unable to respond to her cry for assistance."

"I'm into table tennis myself. I've developed this vicious backhand - "

"Sergeant, about my wife - "

"Of course, duty first, eh?Did you do or say anything to offend her lately, something she may have taken the wrong way? Women can be sensitive creatures, you know."

"Well - there was the report card - "

"Report card?"

"It was one of those impulsive things. The other day, when the kids received their report cards in the mail, there was also one for my wife. I had graded her household performance for the last semester."

"I see. Any reaction?"

"i had to buy a dozen new Ping-Pong balls."

"I remember the time I sent my wife this Valentine - "

"Look Sergeant, couldn't you detail some men right away? The sink's backing up again, the furnace blower is rasping and the laundry's piling up. I'm absolutely frantic!"

"Now calm down, sir, I'll fill out a missing person's report and issue an all points bulletin."

"That won't do any good."

"Why not?"

"She's still somewhere on the premises."

"How's that?"

"The driveway had already been shoveled when I got up this morning."

"Dad? Could you get off the phone, please. I have to call Cathy right away. It's important."

"Young lady, There's nothing more important right now than your mother's disappearance which I am presently reporting to the police. Please hang up the extension till I'm done."

"Mom's still around, Dad. She typed out my science thesis last night and left it on my dresser. She's taken the car over for a tuneup, getting the basement window fixed you cracked with your Ping-Pong paddle, and then doing her food shopping."

"You've actually seen your mother in the past 72 hours?"

"Not exactly. Her schedule for today was accidentally stapled to my thesis."

"Give me five more minutes, and get your brother on the extension. Perhaps he knows something."

"Hi, Dad. You wanted me for something?"

"Glenn! Have you seen your mother?"

"No, but someone just drove into the driveway and left some groceries on the steps."

"Was it your mother?"

"I couldn't tell Dad. Whoever it was backed right out again."

"Sergeant, what about the sink. . . the laundry. . ."

"If you'll give me a description of the missing person - "