Avoiding resumes that get a guffaw but no interview

''Please call me after 5:30 p.m.,'' the San Jose, Calif., man requested on his resume, ''because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.''

''I am impatient with quibbling over minor details,'' a Seattle financial analyst's resume declared. ''I am stubborn on matters of principle and major objectives. I dislike routine thinking, unnecessary jobs, inefficient systems, and Republicans.''

These are just a few samples from employment specialist Robert Half's large - and growing - collection of the inappropriate, unintentionally humorous, and self-defeating material that job candidates include in their resumes.

Mr. Half, who heads Robert Half International, a recruiting firm, has been collecting examples of resume goofs for many years.

He calls them ''resumania.''

''A properly written resume,'' says Half, ''can be one of the most important and effective elements in any job search.'' He cautions, however, that ''failure to weed out resumania can result in failure to get hired.''

He says resumania can be avoided by using logic and common sense and by making sure the completed resume is written in a factual, businesslike, readable , and tactful manner.

Here are some examples of resumania sent to Half by business acquaintances, along with some culled from resumes submitted to his organization's offices.

* ''I am the best qualified candidate for any positions that may be available. I have no reservation about stating this'' (St. Louis financial analyst).

* I am very conscientius and accurite'' (Salt Lake City bookkeeper.)

* ''I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award'' (Philadelphia computer operator).

A Pittsburgh job-seeker's resume offered this clear description of her ideal employer: ''Perfect would be an organization beset with a variety of problems while simultaneously beginning to stir with the fever of acquisitions and diversification. As the nature of the job declines in the hierarchy of preferences, so obviously would come into play the decisiveness of compensating subordinating factors.''

In giving their preferences for relocation, two resumes offered these opinions:

* My consideration will be given to relocation anywhere in the English-speaking world and/or Washington, D.C.'' (Boston accountant).

* Will relocate anywhere - except Russia, Red China, Vietnam, or New York City'' (Cleveland computer programmer).

Under ''reasons for leaving previous jobs'':

* ''No special reason.''

* ''The sales manager was a dummy.''

* ''Responsibility makes me nervous.''

* ''The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.''

* They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.''

Half's advice to resume writers: ''Make sure that you put your best foot forward - not in your mouth.''