'Moi Thought, Why Not? If Oprah Can Do It...'

In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy: Fabulous Recipes from My Famous Celebrity Friends

By Moi, Time Life Books

128 pp., $17.95

She's our favorite swanky American swine. And now Miss Piggy has followed in the footsteps of fellow celebrities and come out with her very own cookbook.

Well, sort of.

"I've always wanted to write a cookbook," the blonde-tressed, pink-complected puppet personality explains. "There's just one problem. Moi doesn't cook.... Moi eats!"

So with the name-dropping finesse of any self-respecting, snouty actress (who thinks she's been robbed of an Oscar), Miss Piggy presents 50 recipes from her "closest" and "dearest" friends.

Among them: Ivana Trump ("We must have been separated at birth..."); John Travolta ("We both keep getting better looking every year"); Candice Bergen, James Earl Jones, Paul Newman, Jodie Foster, Brooke Shields, Liz Taylor, Barbara Bush, and even Martha Stewart.

Never mind that a few offered recipes that call for bacon and one even for spare ribs (blame it on Yo-Yo Ma). And while there are no recipes for pigs' feet, Chef Pierre Franey's contribution is frogs' legs in cream sauce. For shame.

The ostentatious oinker offers tips in her trademark humor: "A centerpiece is perfect for avoiding eye contact with certain guests"; A hair dryer helps thaw frozen food and is also "handy for clearing crumbs from the counter." She also flaunts a "designer dress" made by her personal friend and designer, "Reynoldo Rapp."

As pretentious as Miss Piggy can be - she adores food and fashion almost as much as herself - she humbly dedicates the book to Kermit, "who has always been the hottest dish in my life."

A portion of the proceeds go to Citymeals-on-Wheels, to help feed the homebound elderly. (This makes one suspect that charity was the main attraction for the celebs - no offense, Miss Piggy.)

For better or worse, the draw for the reader here is her unabashed love-me humor, not the recipes. Miss Piggy is at her best making herself look good; by suggesting a perfect seating arrangement (where she is surrounded by men; "Squeeze in the ladies at a card table near the kitchen"); saying people often mistake her for Diane Sawyer; and nuzzling up to Clint Eastwood, seeing as he is an Oscar-winner and all.

The photos and condescending comments are sure to elicit guffaws. The three things Miss Piggy must have at all times: "the upper hand in a relationship, an agent who returns my calls, and an ample supply of chocolate."

One can almost hear her high voice and see the false eyelashes aflutter when she talks of her dearest friends, such as Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf: "Moi's favorite mission with Stormy Normie was the night we raided his refrigerator," Miss Piggy writes. "He's my favorite general - not counting General Foods and General Mills." After making Normie's Sour Cream Peach Pie, she suggests, "bombard it with several scoops of vanilla ice cream."

Kirsten Conover, a Monitor staff writer, writes about food.