Grandparenting 101: Learning patience and commitment from in-laws

Like many grandmothers, I baby-sit, bake cookies, entertain, provide gifts and - in general - spoil my grandchildren within a millimeter of censure by their parents.

We go shopping and to the movies. I attend recitals, celebrate their birthdays, encourage them to spend more time reading and less time watching TV, coax them to practice at the piano. I purchase unwanted items to support school fundraisers.

In addition, I have taken on the role of mentor to a 15-year-old granddaughter who shares my love of writing.

She concocts humorous scenarios and forwards them to me via e-mail to be critiqued. I send her the text of my articles, together with editor comments and criticisms, so that she will develop a realistic view of what writing for publication entails.

I was feeling smug about my value as a grandmother, until my younger son and his wife became parents of twin boys.

My son is in the Air Force; the twins were born in Okinawa,

Japan. He and his wife received support from the military community for several weeks after the babies came home, and then found themselves struggling to manage on their own.

Keeping up with the demands of two infants was especially difficult for my daughter-in-law because of my son's fluctuating work schedule. She was exhausted, suffered from "cabin fever," yearned to work part time, and wanted to resume her education.

My daughter-in-law has been able to achieve these goals because her mother, a native of the Philippines, selflessly agreed to leave the rest of her large family behind to become a nanny to her twin grandsons.

She made the decision after several months of careful deliberations. Already in her mid-60s, this woman had never traveled outside the Philippines. She would be transplanted onto an American Air Force base, where English was the primary language. It would be difficult for her to converse with the majority of people she would meet - including her daughter's husband.

I wonder how many American grandmothers would be willing to sacrifice their culture, lifestyle, and proximity to other family members to become a nanny to twins.

Speaking for myself, I regret to say I would find it a tedious and enervating enterprise.

By contrast, my son tells me that his mother-in-law views the antics of her 2-year-old grandsons with tolerance and good humor. She has been blessed with an inexhaustible supply of patience.

My son and grandsons have come to love "Lola," the Filipino word for grandmother. It is anticipated that she will remain in the household, if not indefinitely, at least until the boys are in first grade.

Lola wisely keeps her own counsel when her daughter and son-in-law disagree. If she is drawn into taking sides, she casts her lot with my son - the man of the house.

He says Lola's the exact opposite of the prototypical American mother-in-law. (I wonder if there is an element of reproach in that statement.)

This summer I will have the privilege of meeting Lola when my son's family leaves Japan. They will visit with us for two weeks before going on to an Air Force base in western Germany.

I plan on paying close attention to Lola's methods in order to improve my own grandparenting style.

* Phyllis Royx is a grandmother who lives in Stafford Springs, Conn.

Parents: To submit a first-person essay on your own parenting experiences, send an e-mail to home@csps.com.