Backstory: I'd like to thank ... everyone
"Wow. Hey. What can I say -"
How about, this statue is FREEZING!
"- except ... wow!"
Humble. Think humble. Do a couple head shakes. Look down. Now look up again. Tear up. OK. OK. So you can't do a tear. A couple blinks instead. Wipe the eye. Time for the sigh. Take a deep breath. Let it out slowly.
"Whewwwww."
One more head shake. OK. Enough emotion.
"So many people to thank. Where to start?"
How about the craft services lady and that great granola she came up with. After that I can't think of anyone.
"My agent, of course."
Who will be fired as soon as I decide if CAA or William Morris makes better lattes.
"Who believed in me even after I stopped believing."
What does that mean? Guess it's better than "who didn't return my phone calls for three years, nine months, and 22 days."
"Of course, it all starts with a great screenplay -"
What was that writer's name? The first one. The guy who skimmed Rupert Murdoch's pool.
"- from a great writer."
Make that writers: 28 of 'em. I think the last one was the producer's second wife's ninth therapist.
"And, of course, my director, who each day inspired me ..."
With his failure to speak the English language. Or wear deodorant.
"And this film would not have gotten made without our producers who believed in this with all their heart."
Of course, they also believed in "Godzilla Invades Topeka" and "Return of Ishtar."
"And, I couldn't leave the stage without speaking of my wife ..."
I could, but if I did she would be on speed dial to the divorce lawyer.
"... my north star, my compass, my ..."
How many more "mys" before I can get out of here?
"... my touchstone, my ..."
Enough!
"... life."
That was good. Really good. Maybe she'll forget about my changing the prenup. Big finish. Gotta go for the lump in the throat. Lower the voice.
"And finally, this statue is not just for me ..."
Wanna bet?
"But ... but ..."
Who is it for? Think. Quick!
"It's. It's ... for ... for ..."
Who? Who? My kids are in rehab. Or is it Nepal?
"For ... yes. For the servicemen and women ..."
Got it. Good audience reaction. Slow down. Want to be careful not to offend Clooney. Hear he's doing "Ocean's Forty-Eight."
"... our ... those ... brave ... people ... who are over there ..."
Where are they?
"... over there ... doing what they do to make sure we do what we do, whatever and wherever we do it."
Enough. They got it. Go for another sigh. A short one.
"Whew."
Get off. Now.
"So thank you, Academy. Thank you ..."
Did I leave anyone out?
"Ferdinand Magellan."
• Chuck Cohen is a satirist and advertising writer in Mill Valley, Calif.
