Macho attitude – healed

In grade school, I had dreams of being popular and good at sports – the classic “jock.” I imagined myself growing into an attractive man women would like and men would look up to.

In high school and college, influenced by gender stereotypes, I thought that developing a magnetic personality and physical prowess would help me achieve my goal. I enjoyed what I thought was my status as a “big man on campus,” getting attention from girls and a certain respect from guys. However, I was aware even then that while some of my successes in sports and social settings were innocent, there were other times when I was motivated by sensuality and self-importance.

Finally, I reached the point where, driven by gender-related tendencies and dodging responsibility for my behavior, I felt a very acute sense of hollowness. The satisfaction I’d earlier experienced with the persona I’d crafted had completely evaporated. I felt weighed down by dark feelings of guilt and self-contempt.

Growing up as a Christian Scientist, I had learned that God, our true Father and Mother, created us and that we include only what He gives. “Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures” by Mary Baker Eddy, the discoverer of Christian Science, explains that we each reflect all aspects of His, Her, nature: “The masculine mind reaches a higher tone through certain elements of the feminine, while the feminine mind gains courage and strength through masculine qualities. These different elements conjoin naturally with each other, and their true harmony is in spiritual oneness” (p. 57). The spiritual qualities of masculinity and femininity constitute who we are, rather than limited definitions of identity derived from physiology and psychology.

As secure as I felt in the knowledge that I am the creation of God, who is both Father and Mother, and that my identity is a reflection of that divine wholeness, I clearly still had a lot to learn about my true nature.

At first, I resisted the deep-down reform that would bring me back home to being consistently fathered and mothered by God – to having all my thoughts and actions governed by divine Love. As a result of this resistance, I suffered even more – feeling unhappy, cold, and without a sense of direction.

Eventually, however, my desire to turn wholeheartedly to God, and to see myself in a wholly spiritual light, won out. Through a new devotion to Christian Science, regular church attendance, and help from family, friends, Christian Science practitioners, and articles in the Christian Science publications, I was able to combat my false sense of individuality as a mistaken belief about what constitutes what a man really is.

As I let go of the “old man” that the Apostle Paul refers to in the Bible (see Ephesians 4:22-24) – in all its self-willed and false glory – and learned to behold myself as the child of my Father-Mother, I felt free and inspired. I gained a sense of spiritual manhood.

This understanding purified my thoughts and actions. And remaining faithful to this spiritual view didn’t mean I was missing out on anything good. In fact, it opened the door to activities that supported the innocence and purity I longed for and caused me to feel truly happy and satisfied.

In the years since, I’ve been blessed to learn more about what constitutes my identity, and, in particular, the feminine qualities I include through reflecting God as Mother. I have felt the influence of God’s mothering through a deeper awareness of tenderness, warmth, and chastity as qualities I include and can express. This view of myself, even if caught only in glimpses, continues to enrich my interactions with both women and men. I feel freer from the limitations of gender stereotypes.

A true man, I am finding, is impelled equally by the influence of God as both Father and Mother.

Adapted from an article published in the February 2007 issue of The Christian Science Journal.