Parent stress is a national health issue: Asking for help is a strong first step

It’s the little things that get to Shirley Herbas: watching the minutes tick by in the morning while her 7-year-old son fights about what to wear to school, or worrying about what her 2-year-old daughter puts in her mouth. When it gets to be too much, she talks it out with a family friend.

“It’s not that she has all the answers,” says the recent Bolivian immigrant, searching for the correct English to explain. “But she listens, and comprende ... she understands.”

Ms. Herbas, who’s been in the United States just two years, relies on her husband’s extended family for social support. 

That extra family support is crucial to ameliorating parental stress, which U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has declared an urgent public health issue. An advisory released last week calls for a cultural shift that recognizes that raising a child is key to the health of society as a whole.   

“The more we put the whole picture together, it makes it more complicated, but it’s real life,” says Ellen Galinsky, president of Families and Work Institute, a nonprofit that researches changing work, family, and community dynamics. “Paying attention to parents’ well-being is really important if we care about kids’ well-being.”

Tech strains, expectations, and comparisons

Parenting has always had its challenges – budgets, scheduling, health, and safety.  But today, the job is made tougher by the increasing use of technology, financial strains, isolation, and what Dr. Murthy calls a “culture of comparison ... that promotes unrealistic expectations of what parents must do.”  

While he calls on communities, governments, and employers to recognize the importance of parenting through funding and programs aimed at mental health, he said in an Aug. 28 New York Times essay, “Individuals – family members, friends, neighbors and co-workers – can play a critical role.” 

Like Ms. Herbas’ supportive friend, this is often the first line of defense against parenting stress. And Dr. Murthy says asking for help should be seen as a strength, not a weakness; offering help should not wait for an invitation.

Rebecca Blackwell/AP

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy (left) and his mother, Myetraie Murthy, serve food as friends and family gather at his parents' home near Miami this past July. He says extended family and friends are the first responders when it comes to parental stress.

Feeling it

Parents don’t need to be told they’re stressed out – they’re feeling it.

Dropping off her son at an art class at the Woodland Hills Recreation Center in Los Angeles, Leonora chuckles when asked about stresses she faces as a mom.

She says that she put her son in this art class to counter the time he spent on his electronic tablet over the summer. His online activity fuels one of her biggest worries.

Leonora, who for privacy reasons asked not to use her last name, says she tries to limit the amount of time her 6-year-old spends with electronics but sees other parents being more lenient. It leaves her wondering, “How much is too much, and how much is enough?”

Then there’s the stacked schedule: school, followed by art, then soccer practice, and homework. She keeps her son busy, she says, to manage his anxiety – and her own – with activities to channel his energy. But it leaves no downtime.

Her support network is small – a few friends, whom she says she leans on. And her husband? “Not everyone is born to be a father or mother,” she says. “The one I got, he’s a provider.” 

Leonora mentions school violence, and releases a quiet spring of tears: “I try not to watch news. I try not to put that information into his head because he’s too young. ... I think they have enough to deal with.” Her son’s school, she explains, has a significant Jewish population, and with nationwide clashes over the war in Gaza, she’s terrified the school could be a target.   

Ask for help

Parents everywhere are unnerved by the 24/7 news cycle of gun violence and war, says Susan Newman, a social psychologist who specializes in parenting. Isolation and loneliness compound it, plus there’s the constant barrage of curated images on Instagram that ramp up parenting as a competitive sport. 

In the swirl, many parents overlook a simple aid: ask for help. 

“[Parents] don’t want to be viewed as incompetent,” says Dr. Newman, adding that they “feel they can do it all. Well, in this society, women in particular can’t do it all. You need help, and there are people who can help.” 

Neighbors, friends, or partners are probably willing to run an errand or pick up a child from school, she says, echoing Dr. Murthy’s call to recognize the critical role of individuals. But, she adds, “People don’t know what you need unless you verbalize it.” 

Just those little moments can provide big relief. So can online support groups, which offer targeted advice and communities of support like babysitting cooperatives and church-organized parent groups. 

Experts also recognize a helpful shift in parenting norms, to empower children by giving them a role in family tasks and decisions. This engagement, they say, strengthens the parent-child bond and can buffer against input from peers or the internet.

“It makes the family unit feel more like a unit and a force – that they can tackle ... whatever mountain they’re climbing at the moment,” says Dr. Newman.

“Mom guilt”

Adriane Orje is running after her little girl, who just escaped from a fenced-in playground at the same recreation center. Ms. Orje recently found out she’s losing her interior design job, exacerbating her biggest worry as a parent: money. 

Ali Martin/The Christian Science Monitor

Adriane Orje visits a Los Angeles playground with her toddler. She says she manages the stress of parenting by exercising and getting out to play with her daughter. That makes her daughter happy, which Ms. Orje adds is "helpful to me."

She works from home, where boundaries are hypothetical to a child who only knows her mom is in the next room paying attention to something else. She also participates in some online parent groups, and her mother helps with child care. But in-person meetups can be difficult. Either the timing isn’t right – most of the groups seem to be run by stay-at-home moms who can get together during the day – or she just doesn’t feel like it when the time comes.

She copes by exercising, and leaning into her role as a parent. “Take her to the playground, make her happy,” she says, adding that it helps quiet her “mom guilt” – the relentless feeling of falling short of expectations, whether they’re society’s or one’s own. 

Tied together 

By all accounts, poverty makes parenting harder. “Poverty is quite bad,” says Ms. Galinsky, who recently wrote a book about raising teenagers called “The Breakthrough Years.” “There’s nothing good about worrying about whether you’re going to be able to eat.” 

For parents with few resources, Los Angeles County offers a range of support services and programs, from parenting classes to support groups and family fun nights. To encourage people to seek help, the county’s Department of Mental Health enlists community members to share information about assistance – in 13 languages – with their neighbors.   

“They speak the language; they know the culture. They’re able to get in areas where maybe some of our staff cannot,” says Mary Barraza, senior deputy director for prevention and child well-being for the county’s Department of Mental Health. “We’re getting people who are now reaching out for help that probably never would have before, because the services and the outreach is culturally sensitive.”

The department also works with local schools, because a parent’s mental health is so closely tied to their children’s. 

“It’s just like being on an airplane and you put your oxygen mask on first,” says Ms. Barraza. “As a parent, you have to make sure that your mental health is OK, that you have the supports that you need to then support your child.”